Surf me not into temptation

It should come as no surprise that the Vatican is expected soon to announce the designation of a patron saint of the Internet and computer science. Judging by the solicitations that miraculously appear unbidden in my e-mail box, Internet users share many interests with the Catholic Church: Virgins and uniformed schoolgirls are just two examples.

Of course, Internet wizards and Catholic clergy differ significantly on whether it’s more advantageous to lead people toward or away from temptation. Net surfing can be like having an angel whispering in one ear and a devil in the other as the Internet offers point and counterpoint on this issue.

On one side, The Catholic Online Forum (http://forum. catholic.org/discussion/) offers the short “Prayer Before Logging Onto the Internet” available as text or in RealAudio. The prayer does not request that downloads be speedy or that browsers not crash when loading plug-ins.

Instead, it beseeches God, who has “bade us to seek after all that is good, true and beautiful,” to “direct our hands and eyes only to that which is pleasing to Thee.”

On the other side, I’m assuming that, however much it might appeal to the highly sought-after males-aged-18-to-34 demographic, the hyperlink to “all-new superhot triple-x teen action” advertised in my inbox falls nowhere near the category of “pleasing to Thee.”

The Catholic Forum prayer asks for the strength to ignore such sinful solicitations, to forget about the non-linear, wildly sprawling structure of the Internet, and stick to the straight and narrow.

The message invokes the services of St. Isidore, a former Bishop of Seville who died about 1,400 years ago, to intercede with God on behalf of tempted surfers.

Isidore, an intellectual, visionary and educator, is being touted as the saint most likely to patronize the Internet.

In 1999, at the Vatican’s request, a group called Internet Observation Services began seeking out the saint best suited to the needs of Catholic surfers. Widely regarded as being ahead of his time, especially in the field of information technology, Isidore topped the list.

His main claim to the Internet patronage position is his 20-volume dictionary/encyclopedia Etymologies.

In addition to being structured analogously to a modern database, Etymologies gave its users an unprecedented information resource that changed the way knowledge was distributed.

Isidore has a strong case. But among the thousands of canonized candidates who could conceivably care for our computers, other cases can be made. Below, some pontification on the subject.

 

BARBARA OF NORWICH

Story: Raised by a tyrannical heathen father who kept her secluded in a tower, Barbara secretly converted to Christianity. While her father was away, Barbara had three windows inserted into a bathhouse he was constructing so as to honour the Holy Trinity. Angered by her action, which betrayed her conversion, her father denounced and beheaded her, only to be immediately struck dead by a bolt of lightning.

 

Reason she would make a good patron saint of computers: Well able to empathize about the terrible consequences of installing Windows.

 

Current patronages: Architects, artillery, builders, Italian military engineers, Italian firemen, gunners, Italian marines, miners, Ordnancemen and Cannoners

www.barbara.com: Not registered.

Google hits for “barbara”: About 1,950,000.

 

ANTONINUS OF FLORENCE

Story: The “protector of the poor” became Bishop of Florence in 1446, declaring that “his wallet belonged to the poor.” When he ran out of money, he gave away his possessions, including furniture and clothes. He wrote many influential works about morality theology, one theme of which was that making a profit was not evil as long as the profit resulted in a greater overall good.

 

Reason he would make a good patron saint of computers: This guy has eBay written all over him.

 

Current patronages: None known.

 

www.antoninus.com: Not registered.

 

Google hits for “antoninus”: About 12,500

 

FORTY ARMENIAN MARTYRS

Story: Forty soldiers were left naked on a frozen lake by emperor Licinius at Sebaste, with the offer of a warm bath for anyone who would apostatize. One fell, but his place was taken by a guard, who was won over by the act of group heroism. All 40 died of exposure and were canonized.

 

Reason they would make good patron saints of computers: The Internet is a huge network of networks, which grows more complex every day. If simple areas such as cakemaking and apoplexy merit the full attention of their respective patron saints, Saint Honoratus and Saint Andrew Avellino, surely something as huge as the Internet could use a committee.

 

Current patronages: None known.

 

www.40armenianmartyrs.com: Not registered.

 

Google hits for “40 armenian martyrs”: 7

 

WINEFRED

Story: A Welsh native, Winefred was beheaded by Caradog of Hawarden for refusing to have sex with him. Her head hit the ground and caused a spring to well up on that spot, which now is known as the Holy Well and is a major centre for pilgrims.

 

Reason she would make a good patron saint of computers: Usually depicted carrying her head and a palm frond. It’s not much of a stretch to turn the palm frond into a Palm pilot, making her a modern saint-on-the-go, prepared to meet the wireless revolution that will soon transform the Internet.

 

Current patronages: None known.

 

www.winefred.com: Not registered.

 

Google hits for “winefred”: 2,410

 

GEORGE THE GREAT

Story: It’s true that George was an excellent soldier and died a martyr in Palestine. But all reports of George slaying a dragon in return for the baptism of an entire town are now widely regarded as untrue. (The tip-off was likely the fact that dragons don’t exist.)

 

Reason he would make a good patron saint of computers: Most Internet research work requires a great deal of separating fact from fiction, reliable sources from unreliable. George’s own story provides an educative exercise with which to practice critical thinking and identify falsehoods.

 

Current patronages: Boy scouts, Italian cavalry, England, Portugal, Germany, Istanbul, the Order of the Garter, soldiers, protection of women, protection in general (probably the best skill set of any saint for the job).

 

www.george.com: Web site of an eponymous printing arts company.

 

Google hits for “george”: About 2,800,000

 

PETER

Story: Originally a disciple of John the Baptist, Peter left to become a disciple of Christ. Christ told him, “You are Peter and upon this rock I will build my church … and I will give you the keys to the kingdom of Heaven.” He now greets people at the doors to heaven.

 

Reason he would make a good patron saint of computers: Small learning curve to move from gateway expertise to the full gamut of routers, switches and hubs that keep the Internet humming along.

 

Current patronages: Fishermen.

 

www.peter.com: Inexplicably, this domain hosts personal home pages for two people named Jimmy Aitkin and Roy Putt.

 

Google hits for “peter”: About 3,060,000

 

SCHOLASTICA

Story: The twin sister of Saint Benedict was the first nun of the Benedictine order. On their last visit, Benedict made to leave just after dinner. Scholastica successfully obtained by prayer a sudden, fierce rainstorm that delayed him, and they talked all through the night. A few days after this fondly remembered exchange, she died, and her soul rose to Heaven in the form of a dove.

 

Reason she would make a good patron saint of computers: All-night chatting is huge on the Internet.

 

Current patronages: None known

 

www.scholastica.com: Not registered.

 

Google hits for “scholastica”: About 20,300.

 

 

VERONICA

Story: Christ fell beneath his cross on the way to Calvary. A woman wiped His face with a towel, on which an image of Christ’s face then remained. The name associated with this woman came to be Veronica, which some people say comes from a combination of the words vera, Latin for true, and ikon, Greek for image.

 

Reason she would make a good patron saint of computers: Almost nothing on the Internet is command-based any more. Why not have a user-friendly patron saint with a true affinity for icons?

 

Current patronages: None known.

 

www.veronica.com: Immediately forwards you to www.archiecomics.com where you can get to know Veronica, Betty, Archie and all their friends.

 

Google hits for “veronica”: About 571,000

 

MARGUERITE BOURGEOYS

Story: Travelled from France to Ville Marie (later Montreal) in the 1600s and founded more than 200 schools for French and native American students. The bishop of Montreal tried to cloister her community of Sisters, but Marguerite convinced him that she needed to travel and make contact with the natives and colonists in order to educate them and thus serve God.

 

Reason she would make a good patron saint of computers: Might inspire heavy Internet users to get out of the house and interact with real people occasionally.

 

Current patronages: None known.

 

www.marguerite.com: Site contains a Web server statistics report for another Website, www.value.net, which is a data communications company.

 

Google hits for “marguerite”: About 633,000.